The Myth of Self-Esteem

Feeling good about myself: I love it. I often ached for it, and I tried to hold on to it no matter what. Every time I found something that I loved, I stuck to it day in and day out until it became unhealthy. Studying psychotherapy, I realised that the emotion of feeling good was a combination of hormones in the brain, specifically endorphins, dopamine, and serotonin. I thought it is normal to feel good all the time.

The consequences of feeling good mentality were that when I found myself feeling any other negative or neutral human emotion – such as sadness, anger, or discomfort, I tried to get out of it immediately. I thought something was “wrong with me” if I do not feel good. So, I numbed it, avoided it, buried myself in work to forget it. I realised this was not helping me, so I started my journey to understand self-esteem.

The idea of self-esteem is one that is very American. In 1969, Nathaniel Branden introduced the concept of self-esteem for self-improvement. John Vasconcellos, then California Governor George Deukmejian, agreed in 1986 to fund a Task Force to raise self-esteem. Hoping that it would solve many of the state's problems, including crime, teenage pregnancy, drug abuse, school failure, and pollution. The self-esteem movement's fundamental assumption was that too many individuals have low self-esteem.

Self-esteem is defined as how we rate ourselves in terms of two main objectives one of our achievements, the other of how others judge us. When I managed to get what I want, I say, "That's good. Great, I am a good person to succeed." When I fail to meet my goals of achievement, I say, "It's bad, so I have to be bad." If I seem to have a good relationship with others, then I say, "That's good; I'm a good and worthy person." Suppose I fail to win the approval of significant others. In that case, I consider my efforts and self to be unworthy – often said, "I'm not good enough." Positivity is excellent but being positive all the time and rejecting the negative has been detrimental to my self-worth.

Carl Rogers promoted the idea of "unconditional positive regard". Improving self-esteem was facilitated for children to avoid the feeling that their parents might stop loving them if they failed to meet high standards. Unfortunately, over time, unconditionally positive regard has taken the form of suggesting that parents and teachers should never criticise. We should praise children for mediocre or trivial achievements or for merely being themselves. Always praising and never criticising may feel suitable for all concerned. Looking at our modern western society does not show that such an approach has produced desirable outcomes. Denying or avoiding uncomfortable emotions is harmful because we do not build stress tolerance. This positivity is not realistic and is leading us into our emotional distress.

I think the culture of ‘positive thinking’ is really backfiring because we are starting to believe that they must feel good all the time, and they catastrophise any sad or negative feelings that are a normal part of life. We have bad days and days where nothing goes right or when we are in a lull- it is essential to be able to experience the range of emotions and not go from one moment of pleasure to the next." Oddly enough, there is a unique joy to feel when experiencing the authentic depth of, and healing release of, a genuine emotion – like sadness, awkwardness, sorrow, and anxiety.